| Cowsmology |  |
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| From lono, Reknowned Politicow Scientist | Faith-based bumpersticker |
AMERICAN GLOBALISM: You have two cows. They produce great
quantities of
rich, sweet, healthy milk which you sell under contract to
a dairy
conglomerate. One day the conglomerate tells you that unless
you sell them
the milk below production cost they will void your contract
and buy dog
milk from Guatemala.
JAPANESE ULTRANATIONALISM: You have two cows. You sell their
milk all over
the world. You refuse to allow foreign milk into the country
because it is
MULTINATIONAL CORPORATISM: You have two cows. You clear-cut
the Amazonian
rain forest to create grazing land, have the cows milked
in China by prison
labor, powder the milk to sell to poor African nursing mothers
who mix it
with water from a drainage ditch, and give a share of your
profits to
Republican Congressmen.
MEXICAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Milking them is too
much trouble so
you flee to America and go on welfare.
RUSSIAN FEMINISM: You have two cows. Your husband refuses
to milk them. One
evening you serve your husband a glass of milk mixed with
vodka. The next
morning he is up at 4:00 a.m. milking the cows.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. They hold a presidential
election.
One cow votes for George W. Bush and one votes for Al Gore.
Bush claims
victory. Gore claims the other cow really meant to vote for
him.
CANADIAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You are not allowed
to sell any milk
in Quebec because your cows moo in English.
RUSSIAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. The Russian Mafia
takes your milk
and deposits it in a bank in Zurich. You blame American capitalism.
FRENCH FREE MARKET CAPITALISM: You have two cows. The government
subsidizes
your barn, feed and milking machines. The McDonald's in Paris
buys all your
milk, earning you a substantial profit. You drive your tractor
into town
and throw rocks at the Golden Arches.
SWEDISH SOCIALISM: You have two cows. Your veterinary bills
are paid by the
government. A high price for your milk is guaranteed by the
government. You
have an annual gross income of $162,000 with eight months
paid vacation.
Your income tax bill is $431,000.
GERMAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You just can't wait
for another
chance to drive them across the Rhine and graze them in France.
COLOMBIAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. Once a month you
hitch them to a
wagon and drive your coca leaves to market.
ECOLOGISM - You have two cows. Their methane emissions cause
global
warming. Eco-terrorists raid your farm and release your cows
into the wild.
Their methane emissions continue to cause global warming.
FEMINISM - You have two cows. You buy a bull. Your enraged
neighbors
castrate the bull.
NORTH KOREAN COMMUNISM - You have two cows. They starve.
AFRICAN CAPITALISM - You have two cows. In search of better
grazing, you
cross the border. Customs officers reject your bribe offer
as insultingly
low, confiscate your cows, and execute you for smuggling.
They sell the cows
to finance a coup d'etat.
AMERICAN CORPORATISM - You have two cows. A large dairy conglomerate
drives
you out of business by selling their milk below market value.
They buy your
cows for a pittance, hook them up to milking machines, and
suck them dry
JAPANESE CORPORATISM - You have two cows. You milk them 60
hours a week. You
save the milk. A large dairy conglomerate borrows the milk
and dumps it on
the world market below production cost. You purchase milk
for 6 million yen per
PLURALISM - You have two white cows. Your neighbors want
to put their black
and brown cows in the community barn with yours. You move
to the suburbs and
put your cows in a private barn. The government takes away
your milk
CHINESE MARKET SOCIALISM - You have two cows. You sell the
milk on the black
COMMUNITARIANISM - You have two cows. You and your neighbors
put all of your
cows together in one barn. You spend the rest of your lives
arguing about
ISLAMIC FUNDAMENTALISM - You have two cows. Your neighbors
catch you
touching their teats while milking them. They stone the cows
and cut off
REPUBLICAN CONSERVATISM - You have two cows. Your neighbors
take them and
give them to a large dairy conglomerate. The conglomerate
dumps the manure
in your well. You get sick and take an aspirin. Your neighbors
have you
DEMOCRATIC LIBERALISM - You have two cows. Your neighbors
take one of them
and give it to a poor farmer. He kills it for the meat. They
take your
other cow, give it to the poor farmer, and spend your money
training him to
milk it. When they leave, he kills it for the meat and sells
the meat to buy
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